Writer's block has been a thorn in my side for the past few months, or rather it should be creativity block as I have been unable to produce anything creative. Which really annoys me because I see me being creative as an outlet to just unwind and forget about whatever it is that is worrying me: finances, relationship, family problems and the list goes on. Last night while I couldn't sleep (no surprise there) although I was idling my time away with Sudoku and video games my brain kept hashing over something that has been bugging me. Who am I really? Especially in the sense of my kink self. Who am I? What am I? Why do my hackles raise at certain words or concepts in BDSM?
I then came to the realization I cannot be defined in just one simple word. Or two for that matter. I am sure as I get older that how I think of myself will probably change but for as of right now I am the me that is here and now.
I am quite cat-like to be honest. I actually get territorial about "my spots" such as where I usually sit on the couch and my desk with things that I use the most in those spots close at hand in a certain order. I won't submit to just anyone it just isn't in my nature to do so. Even when starting a new relationship I am weary and unsure of how to take the new person. I have issues with trust and I know me being weary in a new relationship stems from this. I can be quite independent and even have moments where the claws come out if I do not want affection or attention. When I warm up to certain attentions I will purr like a cat that got the cream and the canary too!
As for BDSM and D/s though? This is a tough one for me that I am still trying to hash out in my brain.
I am submissive and really only to Steve even though in everyday life it doesn't appear that way. We do not live a 24/7 lifestyle as it is just not suitable for us. Any household decisions are made together but I will ask him what he thinks when I suggest something.
I love pain when playing and in sex sometimes. Ok most of the time. Hell, who am I fooling? A good majority of the time. Sometimes I need a good warm up though before playing. I cannot go straight into playing as I need to get into that headset. I also tend to get distracted easily which can make enjoying the sensations of play more difficult for me. There are those times though that I don't want rough and tumble hard playing because my body cannot take it. I deal with enough pain and I don't need more added on to it when it is a bad day for me. Yes, chronic pain sucks the life out of me.
For some reason being described as a slave raises my hackles. I am still trying to figure out as to why though. I just do not identify as such because I feel it is not who I am. I cannot let go to that degree I just can't. I feel I am always having to keep an eye out for my health because in a scene how is Steve supposed to know what is going on if I don't? Yes there are times when I am in a good head space enjoying the play that I cannot communicate I know this. But when something goes wrong I have to be able to communicate it and so in the back of my mind I am constantly assessing what is going on with my body.
In my mind I also see being a slave in BDSM more of a structured role. That is one with protocols, more rules and letting go and only obeying orders. I think I would loose my head if I tried to remember protocols and rules to be honest! All of this is my perception and sure some will agree with it and others not.
So as of today this is who I am and where I stand. I know it is long and I could probably go on but then I would be rambling.
